Classic Holiday Joke

Christmas Cake Recipe

You'll need the following: a cup of water, a cup of sugar, four large eggs, two cups of dried fruit, a teaspoon of baking soda, a teaspoon of salt, a cup of brown sugar, lemon juice, nuts, and a bottle of whisky.

Sample the whisky to check for quality.

Take a large bowl. Check the whisky again. To be sure it is the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again.

Make sure the whisky is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer. Break two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the whisky to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whisky. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.

Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window, check the whisky again and go to bed.

Wife vs Husband

Today's best email joke forward:

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

W O R D S

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.

" The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.

God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.........."HEBREWS"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."


Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

The Eight "I'd Really Rather You Didn'ts"

1. I'd really rather you didn't act like a sanctimonious holier-than-thou ass when describing my noodly goodness. If some people don't believe in me, that's okay. Really, I'm not that vain. Besides, this isn't about them so don't change the subject.
2. I'd really rather you didn't use my existence as a means to oppress, subjugate, punish, eviscerate, and/or, you know, be mean to others. I don't require sacrifices, and purity is for drinking water, not people.
3. I'd really rather you didn't judge people for the way they look, or how they dress, or the way they talk, or, well, just play nice, Okay? Oh, and get this into your thick heads: woman = person. man = person. Samey = Samey. One is not better than the other, unless we're talking about fashion and I'm sorry, but I gave that to women and some guys who know the difference between teal and fuchsia.
4. I'd really rather you didn't indulge in conduct that offends yourself, or your willing, consenting partner of legal age AND mental maturity. As for anyone who might object, I think the expression is go f*** yourself, unless they find that offensive in which case they can turn off the TV for once and go for a walk for a change.
5. I'd really rather you didn't challenge the bigoted, misogynistic, hateful ideas of others on an empty stomach. Eat, then go after the b******s.
6. I'd really rather you didn't build multi million-dollar churches/temples/mosques/shrines to my noodly goodness when the money could be better spent (take your pick):
• Ending poverty
• Curing diseases
• Living in peace, loving with passion, and lowering the cost of cable I might be a complex-carbohydrate omniscient being, but I enjoy the simple things in life. I ought to know. I AM the creator.
7. I'd really rather you didn't go around telling people I talk to you. You're not that interesting. Get over yourself. And I told you to love your fellow man, can't you take a hint?
8. I'd really rather you didn't do unto others as you would have them do unto you if you are into, um, stuff that uses a lot of leather/lubricant/Las Vegas. If the other person is into it, however (pursuant to #4), then have at it, take pictures, and for the love of Mike, wear a CONDOM! Honestly, it's a piece of rubber. If I didn't want it to feel good when you did it I would have added spikes, or something.

Real Geek Heart Beats in Xkcd's Stick Figures

A geek with a paper cut does not bleed CH3, and every nerd has a heart lodged in his chest instead of a TI-85. Behind those thick polycarbonate lenses is a man of flesh and blood, a man who deserves to be loved. Don't believe him? He has the graphs to show it.

Xkcd, a webcomic peopled with lovestruck stick figures, revels in the human side of geekdom. Billed as "a webcomic of romance, sarcasm, math and language," it's a peculiar blend of whimsy, programming language and speculation about relationships. "Xkcd" isn't an acronym, but in some ways, the comic is itself a language -- a way for people who are unpracticed at talking about their emotions to articulate them.

Read more . . .

A Sad Tale

A certain old cat had made his home in the alley behind Gabe's bar for some time, subsisting on scraps and occasional handouts from the bartender. One evening, emboldened by hunger, the feline attempted to follow Gabe through the back door. Regrettably, only the his body had made it through when Gabe slammed the door, severing the cat's tail at its base. This proved too much for the old creature, who looked sadly at Gabe and expired on the spot.

Gabe put the carcass back out in the alley and went back to business. The mandatory closing time arrived and Gabe was in the process of locking up after the last customers had gone. Approaching the back door he was startled to see an apparition of the old cat mournfully holding its severed tail out, silently pleading for Gabe to put the tail back on its corpse so at it could go on to the kitty afterworld complete. Gabe shook his had sadly and said to the ghost: "I can't. You know the law: I can't retail spirits after 2:00 AM."

From Happy-gods.com

Seen On Facebook Human Pets

A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later." The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed his Social Security application. When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too."

Giving up Wine
I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner. I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?" "No, I had to stop drinking years ago", the homeless woman told me. "Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" I asked. "No, I don't waste time shopping," the homeless woman said. > > "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive." "Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" I asked. "Are you NUTS !" replied the homeless woman. " I haven't had my > hair done in 20 years!" "Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight." The homeless Woman was shocked. "Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting." I said, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks > like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine."

This Makes Sense

What do you get when you cross an elephant with an ant?
A dead ant.

Sent By a Republican Friend

The Postal Service created a 41-cent first-class stamp with a picture of President Bush. The stamp was not sticking to envelopes, which enraged the President,who demanded a full investigation. After a month of testing, a special presidential commission presented the following findings:

1. The stamp is in perfect order.
2. There is nothing wrong with the applied adhesive.
3. People are spitting on the wrong side

Idiot Sightings!!!! Be careful, be v-e-r-y careful....

IDIOT SIGHTING: Hubby and I had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a "large" enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower." I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, "NO, it's not. Four is larger than two." We haven't used Sears repair since.

IDIOT SIGHTING: I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore." From Kingman , KS

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE: My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg. He was a Chef? Yep...From Kansas City ! [No, he's not a chef, he works for Taco Bell.]

IDIOT SIGHTING: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask." Happened in Birmingham , Ala

IDIOT SIGHTING: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when its safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!" She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS

IDIOT SIGHTING: At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker: She was leaving the company due to "downsizing." Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare. This was a bunch at Texas Instruments.

IDIOT SIGHTING: I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself, and for the sake of her own life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office no less.

IDIOT SIGHTING: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "Its open!" His reply, "I know - I already got that side." This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , Mississippi !

STAY ALERT!

They walk among us, they REPRODUCE and they VOTE!!

(And usually Republican!!)

As Kids See Things

The way children see things

NUDITY I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a Woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!

HONESTY My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.

OPINIONS On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a Note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."

KETCHUP A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."

MORE NUDITY A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, ! ! ! "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

ELDERLY While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. The various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

DRESS-UP A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."

SCHOOL A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"

BIBLE A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy called out." What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"

He Never Heard The Shot

A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thinks (no dummy she), "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself."

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, "Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!"

He never heard the shot.

Funeral on Thursday at Noon. Closed coffin.

::snicker::

The waiter took a bottle of Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the gentleman seated over there," indicating the sender.

She regarded the wine coolly for a second without looking over at the man, and decided to send a reply note.

The waiter, who was lingering for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.
The note read:

"For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants." After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own. He folded his note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to return this to the woman.

It read: "For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600 and a Porsche Turbo in my garage . . and there is over twenty million dollars in my bank account. However, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back."

The Seamstress

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?"

The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family.

The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with pearls.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked

The seamstress replied, "No." The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble ringed with sapphires.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

Again, the seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

The seamstress replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.

Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water.

When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney.

"Is this your husband?" the Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the seamstress.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney.

And so the Lord let her keep him.

The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others.

That's our story, and we're sticking to it.
Signed, All Us Women

Just In Case You Are Ever Asked

Estimating the Airspeed Velocity Of An Unladen Swallow

Ah, Let's Start With the White House

Gardening

Found over on Kip Addotta's website:

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

Found on LiveJournal

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic....And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass.....and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic."

Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood.

The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.

There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted:

You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you a catfish.

More fun from Ctrl-Alt-Del:

This Brings Back Memories

For people who play too much Second Life (or just people who have a sense of humor), it's www.getafirstlife.com.

More from teh Geek Zodiac

AiYume's geek zodiac sign:


The Scientist
October 16 00:00:00 to November 20 23:59:59

The Scientist could be confused for the Specialist or the Hacker if it wasn't for the broad knowledge or the methodical way he investigates new knowledges. Where the Engineer applies learned knowledge, the Scientist is there discovering the facts that no one else knows. The development, testing and disproving of theories runs all through the Scientists life, and even his friendship and other relationships may go through the same stages...often making it difficult to interact with this geek zodiac sign.

Email Joke

A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends.We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box?

We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up"

"Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she
is,did exactly what her husband asked .

The following weekend he came home, a little tired but otherwise looking
good.

The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish? He said,

"Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't
you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"You'll love the answer...

The wife replied,

"I did. They're in your fishing box.....

Geek Zodiac

Check out the Geek Zodiac.

Very cool! This is me, your venerable and wacky hostess for this trip, Pengwenny

The Webmaster
February 6 00:00:00 to March 13 23:59:59

The Webmaster is the member of the geek zodiac with the most interaction with the non-technical people in society and so either becomes the most socially capable or the person with the greatest disdain for non-geeks. Other geeks may not consider the Webmaster a geek at all, but those geeks don't understand the intricacies of cross-browser development and failures to maintain strict standard conformity.

I Would Be Tempted To Get This

TV's first feminist debuts on DVD

Before "Roseanne," "Kate and Allie" and "One Day at a Time" became hits featuring strong women and frequently mature themes, there was "Maude," the groundbreaking, six-season CBS comedy featuring Bea Arthur.

Big, brassy and pushing 50 at the time, Arthur concedes she was an atypical TV star. The Broadway veteran was tapped for her own series after a stint on "All in the Family" as Maude Findlay, the liberal nemesis and sister-in-law of arch-conservative Archie Bunker. That prompted series creator Norman Lear to create a spinoff based on an upper-middle-class New York feminist on her fourth marriage.

"She was not your average, beautiful heroine, but I felt like Cinderella," says Arthur, now 83. "It was one of the first times on television that a woman was seen as the head of the family instead of the usual fumbling male."

Nearly 35 years after its debut in fall 1972, viewers may find "Maude: The Complete First Season" (Sony Pictures Home Entertainment, $29.95) tame. But at the time, Maude's story lines on alcoholism, menopause, women's lib, nervous breakdowns and hemorrhoids were considered so controversial that some network affiliates refused to air episodes -- such as a two-parter on Maude's abortion.

"I liked the fact that we touched on just about everything untouchable," says Arthur, whose last TV appearance was as Larry David's surly mom on HBO's "Curb Your Enthusiasm." "It was so very different and not what people expected."

"Maude: The Complete First Season" is due March 20.

Who Said That . . .

The title of this site is a quote. Can anyone tell me who said it?

Another hilarious cartoon from XKCD:

Shared Over the Water Cooler

There's a sweet old guy in my office who likes to tell me off color jokes. He told this one the other day.

A strikingly handsome young man walked into the office of a Hollywood agent with his resume and portfolio in hand. The agent reviewed the young man's slim resume and small portfolio with the care that was deserving of his fine young specimen.

"You have the very obvious good looks and excellent demeanor of an actor. Tell me, have you had any roles that I might be aware of."

"Other than the requisite high school and college plays, no sir," said the handsome young man.

"I dare say I know the reason why, with a name like yours," said the agent.

"Sir?"

"Your name. Penis Van Lesbian. That's not a name that will go far in Hollywood. I'd love to represent you, but you'll have to change your name."

"Sir," the handsome young man protested. "The Van Lesbian name was my father's, my grandfather's and his father's name. We have carried this name for generations and I will not change it for Hollywood or any other reason."

"If you won't change your name, I cannot represent you young man."

"Then I bid you farewell my name will not change." With that, Penis Van Lesbian left the agents office never to return.

Five Years Later: The Hollywood agent returned to his office after lunch with some producers and shuffled through his mail. Mostly junk mail, trade journals and the like. There was one letter. He opened the envelope and removed the letter. As he unfolded the fine linen paper, a check dropped from the folds and onto his desk. He looked at the check. It was for 50,000 dollars! He read the letter:

Dear Sir: Several years ago, I entered your office determined to become an actor. You refused to represent me unless I changed my name. I objected, saying the Penis Van Lesbian name had been carried for generations and left your office. However, upon leaving, I chanced to reconsider my hastiness and after considerable reflection, I decided to heed your advice and endeavored to change my name. Now I am a famous actor with many roles and known to millions worldwide.

Having achieved this fame and fortune, it is often that I think back to my meeting with you and your insistence that I change my name. I owe you a debt of gratitude, so please accept this check with my humble thanks, for it was your idea which has brought me to such wealth and fame.

Very Sincerely Yours,

Dick Van Dyke

50 New Sex Positions . . .

Not for the faint of heart . . .

The Secret Affair

While eating her boxed lunch, start a flirtatious conversation with her vagina. When she asks you what you're doing, deny you are talking to anyone. When she closes her eyes again, laugh and then whisper into her vagina, "Shhhhh! You're going to get me in trouble." [click pic to see more]

Hosting a State of the Union Party: Drinking Games and What to Do While You Suffer through the Speech

So, if you are going to watch the speech this Tuesday, you might as well make it interesting, or at least less painful. Invite over some friends so you can commiserate together...

What to Serve:

• Bologna sandwiches: sandwiches that are, like the president, full of baloney. On white bread, of course
• Alcohol...you're gonna need it
• Pretzels, to remind us that an even greater evil--Cheney--is just another choke-on-a-pretzel away
• Freedom fries
• Chips and dip. Because who doesn't love chips and dip?
• Order some pizzas and tip the delivery person really well. Consider it doing your part until the minimum wage is (finally!) officially raised. You can also use the pizza to create a pie chart of tax cuts, but make sure you get the portion that represents the breaks for the rich, unless you are on a diet

::snerk:: Read more ways to entertain yourself tonight.

It’s a bra! It’s an eyepatch! It’s a bra! It’s an eyepatch!

Every so often, the fashion world turns very practical. With this “creation” unveiled in Paris this week, women have all kinds of flexibility. They have a bra, a blindfold, an eyepatch, a toga… Probably even a Wonder Woman outfit, if they fold it the right way. What other designer lets you go from pirate to super-hero without even packing an overnight bag? FROM BLOG: Reuters Oddly Enough - It's news, but not, you know, the important kind...

Courage award for man who threw out old computer cables

A Guildford man has been honoured in the People’s Courage Awards for 2006 for showing ‘outstanding bravery and strength of character’ in throwing out a number of old computer cables, even though he could not remember where they came from and could not be certain that one of them might not come in handy again at some point in the future.

More info here

(This seems to be the British equivalent of The Onion.)

Jesus and Mo

Gwenny's Fav Taglines, Episode I

• It's a thankless job but I've got a lot of karma to burn off.
• How do I set a laser printer to stun?
• I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
• I'll try being nicer if you will try being smarter. jenni
  
• I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
• Good health is really just the slowest way to die.
• If you only do what you have always done, you will only get what you have always gotten.
• If your flirtations cause injury, you're probably a Klingon. David Rice
• If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead. - Johnny Carson
• Jesus saves, Allah forgives, Cthulhu thinks you'd make a nice sandwich. Why settle for a lesser evil?
• The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Sears comes out with a riding vacuum cleaner. - Roseanne
• Cause of death: Natural selection.
• I like my men like my coffee: hot, sweet, strong and rich. gtp
• I’m an agnostic pagan...I doubt the existence of many gods.--Tony
• It's great to have pagan friends. They worship the ground you walk on.
• Virginity is not lost--it's invested. --guppie
• The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
• Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
• If little girls are made of sugar and spice why do they taste like tuna?
• Sorry, my fault...I forgot you're stupid. gtp
  
• Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?
• I have ESP, PMS, and a GUN. . .don't even THINK about it.
• If you like my bumper, you'll love my headlights.
• Sorry I missed church; but I've been busy practicing witchcraft and becoming a lesbian.
• Don't bother me I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
• Eagles may soar but weasles don't get sucked into jet engines.
• You've been a bad boy - Go to MY room!!
  

Surprise birth has chimp sanctuary checking vasectomies

SHREVEPORT, Louisiana (AP) -- A female chimpanzee at a sanctuary has given birth, despite the fact that the facility's entire male chimp population has had vasectomies.

Now managers at Chimp Haven are planning a paternity test for the seven males who lived in a group with Teresa, a wild-born chimpanzee in her late 40s who had the baby girl last week.

Workers have started collecting hair samples from the chimps for testing. Once they identify the father, it's back to the operating room for him.

Chimp Haven managers said they knew something was up when Teresa was missing during morning rounds on January 8. Later in the day, she appeared with a newborn chimpanzee in her arms.

"Well, we were all just a little bit surprised when we heard the news," said Linda Brent, a spokeswoman for Chimp Haven.

The baby chimpanzee was named Tracy and she and her mother are doing fine, Brent said.

Teresa had 10 other offspring before retiring to Chimp Haven over a year ago. This is her first baby in 13 years.

It's also the first chimpanzee born at the sanctuary although officials there hope there will be no more accidents.

Chimp Haven provides long-term care for chimpanzees who are no longer needed for laboratory research. It was established by a group of primatologists and is located on 200 forested acres about 20 miles southwest of Shreveport. The first chimpanzee residents began arriving in 2005, according to the sanctuary's Web site.