Titties and Willies

Found this on one of my social networks

A family is at the dinner table.

The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?"

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman's boobs are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions."

"Onions?"

"Yes, you see them and they make you cry. "

This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, "Mom, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases also.

In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree? "

"Yes --- dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration."

Performance Evaluations

For everyone who has ever had an evaluation or performance review just remember, it could have been worse. These are actual quotes taken from United States Federal Government employee performance evaluations:

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig."
2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of definite won't be."
4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of its idiot."
9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."
10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."
11. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
12. "He's been working with glue too much."
13. "He would argue with a signpost."
14. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
15. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."
16. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
17. "He's got two brain cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
18. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
19. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
20. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
21. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."
22. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
23. "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60-minutes'."