Titties and Willies

Found this on one of my social networks

A family is at the dinner table.

The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?"

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman's boobs are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions."

"Onions?"

"Yes, you see them and they make you cry. "

This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, "Mom, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases also.

In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree? "

"Yes --- dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration."

Performance Evaluations

For everyone who has ever had an evaluation or performance review just remember, it could have been worse. These are actual quotes taken from United States Federal Government employee performance evaluations:

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig."
2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of definite won't be."
4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of its idiot."
9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."
10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."
11. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
12. "He's been working with glue too much."
13. "He would argue with a signpost."
14. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
15. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."
16. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
17. "He's got two brain cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
18. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
19. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
20. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
21. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."
22. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
23. "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60-minutes'."

How To Call the Police When You Are Old

George Phillips, an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" He said, "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me. Then the police dispatcher said, "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."

George said, "Okay." He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

I LOVE IT! Don't mess with old people.

No Good Email Jokes For a While

So I'm posting this conversation from xkcdb.com

plonk: hi
wryterra: Greetings and salutations.
plonk: buttercups and cogwheels!
wryterra: butterdishes and cheese wheels!
plonk: cheese plates and flywheels!
wryterra: commemorative plates and alloy wheels!
plonk: franklin mints and doublemint!
wryterra: Stephen Franklin and soft mints!
plonk: Benjamin Franklin and mint-condition Liberty Bells!
plonk: if a lady teleported into your room, wearing nothing but strategically but improbably placed gold chains, would your first instinct be to put your tongue in her vagina?
plonk: because if so, this video i'm watching makes more sense than i give it credit for
wryterra: Wow.... talk about train of thought derailment.

Email Punnishment for Today

Subject: TOP 10 PUNS !!! The ability to make and understand puns is the Highest Level of Language Development. Here are the top 10 winners in the International Pun Contest:

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The Stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'
2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, 'Dam!'
3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says, 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. 'But why? They asked, as they moved off. 'Because,' he said, 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'
7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him 'Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, 'They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'
8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town, to 'persuade' them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is SO BAD, its good) a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the Puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

Jesus vs Satan: programming

Jesus and Satan were having a discussion as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge. They sit themselves at their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight.

Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan is visibly upset, and cries, “I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out.” “Very well, then,” says God, “Jesus, show me the results of all your typing.”

Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in full color, a YouTube video begins playing and you could see and hear the voices of an angelic choir from the surround sound speakers. Satan is completely astonished. He stutters, “B-b-but how? I lost everything, yet Jesus’ program is intact. How did he do it?” God smiled all-knowingly and said, “Jesus saves.”

Oh those poor blondes......(*_*)

The other day my neighbor, who is blond, came running up to me in the driveway just jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping for joy but I thought, what the heck, and I starting jumping up and down along with her.

She said, "I have some really great news!"

I said, "Great. Tell me why you're so happy."

She stopped jumping and, breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, told me that she was pregnant!

I knew that she had been trying for a while so I told her, "That's Great! I couldn't be happier for you!"

Then she said, "There's more."

I asked," What do you mean 'more'?"

She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are go ing to have TWINS!"

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew.

She said.... (You're going to love this!) "Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a twin-pack.

"Both tests came out positive!"

My own real life experience:

I had a friend who had a blond daughter. One day we were sitting there chatting when she came racing into the front door. She could barely contain herself. Breathless she informed us that she had heard the BEST blond joke at school and she had repeated it to herself all the way home so she could share. We nodded for her to continue and she took a deep breath and got a quizzical look on her face, the looked crestfallen. Her mom inquired as to why she looked sad, and almost in tears she said, "I forgot it". We rolled . .and I've never been sure if she really forgot or that was the joke.